Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Where Did My Motivation Go?

It's been several months since I posted last and even before that my posts all seemed to share a common theme; I've lost my way and I'm trying to find my way back.  That's all fine and dandy, and the posts were written with true intentions; but, I am as far from where I want to be as is possible.  I'm ashamed and embarrassed to admit it; but, there it is.  The truth.  

I can't pinpoint the exact moment it happened.  Nor am I really looking to.  I'm not placing blame on anyone or anything; especially not myself.  Do I hold myself accountable?  100%.  I am human.  We make mistakes.  It's what we take away from those mistakes or lapses in judgement that make the difference.  My lapse in judgement or my mistake; however you look at it, has been not only in eating more than I should, but in also eating the WRONG types of foods.  High fat goodies are my downfall and now all those beautiful clothes I bought to celebrate my move to ONEderland now either don't fit or are tight and not flattering.  

40lbs is what I have gained.  Yes, that means I'm still less than my start weight; but, I'm not happy.  It's not about the number on the scale anymore.  Although, that's definitely what motivated me in the beginning.  I feel...blah.  I'm not happy with how my clothes fit, my lack of energy and my overall dragging feeling.  It's time to stop kidding myself.  I know exactly how I got back here and I know exactly what it's going to take to get where I want to be; and frankly that scares me.  I feel like somewhere along the line I lost the support of my family.  Where I could once say "please keep the junk out of the house" and they'd listen, I find I,m no longer taken seriously and the crap food makes its way in anyway.  Case in point, the kids and I ate an entire family sized bag of potato chips and half a tub of helluvagood dip tonight.  Why?!  I would have been equally happy with some baby carrots and hummus.  I haven't worked out in days even though I bought a program I really enjoy.  Again, why?  I honestly don't know.  I tell myself I'll do it tomorrow and then tomorrow gets here and I push it off again.  What the heck is wrong with me?  

I need to find my way back.  Maybe it's baby steps like drinking water every day.  Forget whole 8 glasses thing, let's just start with one!  That's it.  I think that's going to be step one, water.  We all know water is good for you and helps with weight loss.  So that will be an easily measured, attainable goal.  Let's see how well I do!  

Stay tuned for updates, and thanks for reading, if you got this far 😉